mybyrjstbttrffwthtmnyrlf.

soon, its gonna be a year we've known each other.
but. i don't know why.
just don't know why.
things could happen just this way.
maybe we both are suppose to end it this way.
i don't know. maybe.

i don't want us to be enemies.
like what you quoted.
i hate that feeling.
but i realized something.
whenever i got into an argument with somebody,
and few days passed by with silence,
i always got this feeling that they,
are better off without me in their life.

you could say i'm wrong, or maybe right.
this is just my feelings.
and none of you got the right to control it.

look,
throughout the months when we're still friends,
you always fix that smile on my face.
with no failure.
i always confront you with my never-ending problems,
you tried your best to solve it for me.
i was always okay when you didn't tell me your problems,
because i know you don't want me to know.
you keep everything to yourself.
sometimes it hurts me for letting you doing this.
there are time you even stopped me from doing stupid things.
i really really appreciate everything,
everything that you did for me.

now its 30th of October 2008, currently 10.41am.
its already about 19 days since that incident occured.
rewind the time?
its impossible.

didn't you know from the start,
it is very hard for me to forgive people.
i ain't a girl who could just go saying

"hey, could we like, you know, forget bout what happened that day? and start over?
and really, i'm okay with it. i'm sorry for what i did. i forgive you."

that easily.

there are times when i needed you to retrieve my smile for me,
when you weren't around.
there was even once,
i stood at a corner of a shop, alone,
staring at things that reminded me of you,
forcing my tears not to drop.

i don't know why, at this moment,
i always see you in a perfect condition.
as if you're actually okay with it,
and i mean that you are fully recovered from that incident.
i bet, i'm not gonna be important in your life soon.
look,
i ain't such desperate girl who wants to be in your life,
holding an important role.

maybe from the start, you were right.
i don't even know.

great. i'm out of words.
i don't want you to go thinking i'm writing an idiotic script,
just to.. i don't know.
serious. these are what i want you to know.
its because i don't want you to think that i'm hating you.

for now, i want to concentrate in my exams.
but i'm sure its impossible for me.
every single thought will distract me
whenever they popped up in my mind.

i just don't wanna lose you.
serious.

p/s: i wanted you.
tuning into: when you're gone - avril lavinge